This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
