I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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