Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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