I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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