Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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