guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
