Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
