I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
