just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
This is my gift to your gina
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
