I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
