Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Im just a social blackout drinker.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
