apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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