I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
