Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
