Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
