he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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