fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
