peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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