They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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