It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
