I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The Olympian is in my bed
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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