I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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