I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
