Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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