shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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