woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
foreskin is a definite game changer
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
