im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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