I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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