life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
