Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
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