I wish I could teleport
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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