just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
