she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
