She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
