got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
How's work?
Spinning.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
