wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
