brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
My Higher Power is John Stamos
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
