I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
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there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
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Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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