Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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