If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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