Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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