my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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