the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
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