The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
These tits shall not be calmed
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
