I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
