i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
