I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.