he puts the penis in happiness.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
