Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
MIDGETS
????
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
