so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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