i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
