It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
