dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
