Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
