Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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