she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
