my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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