Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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