Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
